A-Roo

Dex spilling soy sauce all over himself: Fuck-A-Roo

Matt: What did you add the Roo for so, it'll be more kid friendly? Cause i don't think the addition of Roo makes Fuck anymore family friendly.

Matt finishing a bad pun

waiting... waiting... waiting...

anticipating... anticipating... anticipating...

Matt in frustration "I can hear your muted laughter"

Grow-up

Hen-dawg: I want to raise lots of kids

Dex: raise them where? in NY?

Matt: In Arizona…. Get it raising Arizona? Get it… huh… huh… get it… huh… raising Arizona... you know... you know like the movie... Raising Arizona like the movie... get it...

Where??

Dex: I’m interested in seeing where my family comes from. I’m pretty sure that it’s Ireland but there is some strong English influence in some of our family traditions. So, I really want to track down the exact region.

Matt: Maybe Pittsburg.

Dex: What Pittsburg? Why Pittsburg?

Matt: (shrugs shoulders) I don’t know.

Square

Von says “Well, if you all want it than I guess we need to draw straws or something for it.” Matt interjects with “Well, I’m an artist so that’ll be easy for me!” Von in disgust “ohhh damn.”

Ill-conceived

Dex: I still can’t believe that pun you made. I... I just can’t… There has to be some freaky neural pathway or something that makes you say these unbelievable corny things. When did you start with this corn

Matt: What, really. I make great ones too. People still quote me on my famous it’s rolling on twenty Tuesday. Hey, pretty good right?

Darwinism

Matt: Have you every thought of being a monk?

Von: A monk?

Matt: Then you be one step closer to being a monkey

Von: Sigh, awe that’s horrible

Dex: Jeez, wow that’s awful

Hen-dawg: Yeah, talk about non sequitur. What are you thinking?

Matt: Honestly, I didn’t think it would go over that badly

Standards

Matt: I didn’t really like that show too many dick and fart jokes. It’s all so crass and savage.

Dex (puzzled): but you love puns?

Matt: puns are eloquent and charming. You know the pun is the upper echelon of the comedic art form.

Vocabulary

Your whole lexicon is antiquated.

Titanic

Wow, I thought that was a really good joke.

Then I looked around and wondered why no was laughing. I thought they’ll get in a minute but a minute came and went and nobody laughed.

Then I thought to myself this is like witnessing how one of my jokes goes down.

Piñata

Matt: So I'm gonna look at my birth certificate to find out what time I was born, and that's when we're gonna bust open the piñata

Von Jersey: Ahhh like you bust out of your mother

Matt: Yeah.... I came out holding candy.... and my mother was hanging from the ceiling.

Comebacks

Matt: Here’s a question, now the rally cap... is that only when your team is down?

Dex: Well, rallying when your up would just be gloating.

Similar?

Announcer: Here we have Matthew McGwire from…

Matt: That’s almost my name!

Rocket Fuel

Look, you see that sign? See that small print at the top? See it says Clem Snacks. Is that like Clemens? Like Roger Clemens? Are they trying to say it makes you perform like Roger Clemens? Are those performance enhancing snacks? Hey, are they trying to say it's the snack that gives you that extra boost in the midst of competition? Look, you can totally see there trying to sell it that way with that musselie little girl reaching into the bag of chips.

Beats

My party going to be slam’en ….. I’m gonna control the flow with my musical knowledge.

I’m going start things off with some fresh hip-hop. Oh you know get there necks bopping.

After a couple hours of that I’m going to cool things down and smooth it out with some jazz. You know give them a little break.

When the people are all chill and mellow... BANG! e-lec-tronica…

Beep – boop – bop – beep – beep – boop – bop – bop – ork - eep - ork
Beep – boop – bop – beep – beep – boop – bop – bop – ork - eep - ork

Me: jeez, how would you spell that?

Dex: Like it sounds.

Matt: That’s onomatopoeia at its best!