Memories

Co-worker shoots a rubber band at Dex

Dex: yeah, it hit me. It grazed my hair.
Matt: you mean it grey-zed your anatomy?
Dex: yup, exactly

Wall Street

Wat'cha doing? Checking your stocks?

Yea, I've been Jonesing for some Dow! (big grin)

e-transgender

Dex: What's this? I just sent an email and and I don't see it in my mail box.
Matt: Maybe it had a sex change and now it's in your female box

What? No Sprinkles?

In a business meeting

marketing rep "... and that's why we've been working on Sundays."

Matt "I thought it was your love of ice cream (Grins proudly)."

News at 11

Matt walking down the street.

"The suns hot today."


"Well, hotter than normal"

Is it for the soul?

Matt sitting with an attractive coworker (whom he recently made acquaintances with) at the company Met game outing after the ball lands out in foul territory.

Matt: Oohhh look a chicken ball!

Co: What?

Matt: Chicken ball... Foul ball... see, get it. chicken... fowl... chicken ball... fowl ball... chicken... fowl...
Ah, I'm going to get some beer or something.

These are the jokes, MAN!

Matt: Oh, that reminds me of an a joke i had for Will Smith... First he was a Robot now he's is a legend? What will he be next? huh

Dex (sternly): That was a joke?

Tennis Anyone?

Co worker: gotta go, gotta go. I'm going to the US Open

Matt: US Open? Why cause Russia Closed!

Cold as Ice

Matt: I just saw an ice murder.

Response: what?

Matt: I saw a man, he was jabbing a a knife into a bag of murder. Ice killer! Waka Waka.

Cereal

As I was talking to a fellow employee the phone rings they say hold on. They then inform the person on the other side of the phone that it is not a good time and will call back in a little while.

Peer: That was my dad, he's a serial caller

Von: Does that mean he has captain crunch on speed dial

Peer: Ah, sometimes you’re genuinely funny but that was really cheesy

Von: (Blushing with shame) Yeah, I guess so. Matt, would have loved it. He loves the cheesy. I guess I've been hanging around with him a little too often.

Mac And ...

Fellow dinner: I don’t really like this dish. I think it’s too cheesy.

Matt: Would you rather it be corny, huh huh.

Fellow dinner: what? NO! Corn would make this good. Why would you say that?

Matt (disheartened): Sigh… Forget it, it’s nothing…. Ho hum

Back out

Matt: What's wrong?
Co-worker: I threw out my back.
Matt: You should check the trash

Broom or Brush

Von: Yeah, I think i was on Broome St. No, wait i don't thinks it's Broome anymore over there.

Matt: Maybe you were on Brush St.

Athleticism

You know who the athlete of the year should be...

Tiger Woods

You know who win in a weightlifting contest ...

Tiger Woods

You know who's greater then great...

Tiger Woods

You know who would turn this economic downturn around...

Tiger Woods

You know who would get us out Iraq...

Obama

What? Tiger has a bum leg right now he can't do everything!!

Nija

Von: Hey Matt!

Matt takes two quick steps and hides behind a column. I walk up to the column

Von: I need to talk you about those notes.

Matt: Did you think I disappeared?

Von: No

Matt: Did you see me at all?

Von: No, you were pretty well hidden

Matt: Perfect, I’m pole size.

Wackness

Von: Yeah, we’re on the same team

Dex: That makes sense you guys are always in meetings together

Matt: Woot, woot, woot that’s right we’re in cahoots like two boots. Like well shaped gluts. Like woodwinders playing flutes.

Dex: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

A-Roo

Dex spilling soy sauce all over himself: Fuck-A-Roo

Matt: What did you add the Roo for so, it'll be more kid friendly? Cause i don't think the addition of Roo makes Fuck anymore family friendly.

Matt finishing a bad pun

waiting... waiting... waiting...

anticipating... anticipating... anticipating...

Matt in frustration "I can hear your muted laughter"

Grow-up

Hen-dawg: I want to raise lots of kids

Dex: raise them where? in NY?

Matt: In Arizona…. Get it raising Arizona? Get it… huh… huh… get it… huh… raising Arizona... you know... you know like the movie... Raising Arizona like the movie... get it...

Where??

Dex: I’m interested in seeing where my family comes from. I’m pretty sure that it’s Ireland but there is some strong English influence in some of our family traditions. So, I really want to track down the exact region.

Matt: Maybe Pittsburg.

Dex: What Pittsburg? Why Pittsburg?

Matt: (shrugs shoulders) I don’t know.

Square

Von says “Well, if you all want it than I guess we need to draw straws or something for it.” Matt interjects with “Well, I’m an artist so that’ll be easy for me!” Von in disgust “ohhh damn.”

Ill-conceived

Dex: I still can’t believe that pun you made. I... I just can’t… There has to be some freaky neural pathway or something that makes you say these unbelievable corny things. When did you start with this corn

Matt: What, really. I make great ones too. People still quote me on my famous it’s rolling on twenty Tuesday. Hey, pretty good right?

Darwinism

Matt: Have you every thought of being a monk?

Von: A monk?

Matt: Then you be one step closer to being a monkey

Von: Sigh, awe that’s horrible

Dex: Jeez, wow that’s awful

Hen-dawg: Yeah, talk about non sequitur. What are you thinking?

Matt: Honestly, I didn’t think it would go over that badly

Standards

Matt: I didn’t really like that show too many dick and fart jokes. It’s all so crass and savage.

Dex (puzzled): but you love puns?

Matt: puns are eloquent and charming. You know the pun is the upper echelon of the comedic art form.

Vocabulary

Your whole lexicon is antiquated.

Titanic

Wow, I thought that was a really good joke.

Then I looked around and wondered why no was laughing. I thought they’ll get in a minute but a minute came and went and nobody laughed.

Then I thought to myself this is like witnessing how one of my jokes goes down.

Piñata

Matt: So I'm gonna look at my birth certificate to find out what time I was born, and that's when we're gonna bust open the piñata

Von Jersey: Ahhh like you bust out of your mother

Matt: Yeah.... I came out holding candy.... and my mother was hanging from the ceiling.

Comebacks

Matt: Here’s a question, now the rally cap... is that only when your team is down?

Dex: Well, rallying when your up would just be gloating.

Similar?

Announcer: Here we have Matthew McGwire from…

Matt: That’s almost my name!

Rocket Fuel

Look, you see that sign? See that small print at the top? See it says Clem Snacks. Is that like Clemens? Like Roger Clemens? Are they trying to say it makes you perform like Roger Clemens? Are those performance enhancing snacks? Hey, are they trying to say it's the snack that gives you that extra boost in the midst of competition? Look, you can totally see there trying to sell it that way with that musselie little girl reaching into the bag of chips.

Beats

My party going to be slam’en ….. I’m gonna control the flow with my musical knowledge.

I’m going start things off with some fresh hip-hop. Oh you know get there necks bopping.

After a couple hours of that I’m going to cool things down and smooth it out with some jazz. You know give them a little break.

When the people are all chill and mellow... BANG! e-lec-tronica…

Beep – boop – bop – beep – beep – boop – bop – bop – ork - eep - ork
Beep – boop – bop – beep – beep – boop – bop – bop – ork - eep - ork

Me: jeez, how would you spell that?

Dex: Like it sounds.

Matt: That’s onomatopoeia at its best!

Scales

Matt (referring to Dex's burrito): So how good is it?
Dex: Well what scale am I working with here 1-5, 1-10?
Matt: on a scale from 4 -26. four being the low end, 26 being the top.

Memory

Dex looking at his phone “Looks like my memory is 95% full”

Matt “Well, you shouldn’t make any more memories”

Self-awareness

Hey, are you going to post that thing about the corn? I know it’s a good one, cause I saw the people around staring at me with that look, you know the one that says “Really? Really, you made that joke? Really? No, come-on really? he did that, Really? ah. Really?”

Corny

Hey, I’m going to get some popcorn (pause)

and momma corn too.

Movies

At the Tribecca film festival

Von: That’s Isabella Rosalina, she has a bunch of shorts showing before the film.

Matt: So… are we going to watch her put on her shorts?

Scale

This guy is epic.

Marketing

Matt: I’m famous.

Dex: No your not.

Matt: I have a blog.

Von: Your blog doesn’t get any hits.

Matt: I blame the writers.

Daily Bread

Von: what’s you getting for lunch

Dex: hmm... Sandwich

Von: on a Baguette?

Dex: Not sure

Matt: how bout a Kaiser roll

Dex: Don’t think I’ll get a Kaiser roll

Matt: (ominously) Well, Maybe the Kaiser roll gets you?

Robin's Hood

Matt: If I shaved my beard I'd look like I was 15
Kevin: (sarcastically) You sure would!
Matt: Like the forest?!

Nachos

We were at the bar and they refused serve me nachos. They said they didn't want me to take it to "the next level".

Perception

I’m glad you found that. I’m sick of that lady saying that I’m crazy. I was even thinking of looking for it myself, honestly.

Literature

Happy accident today, I made an inadvertent haiku. Yah, that’s right art just flows from me and what! WHAT!

Attitude

If you didn’t know what you were talking about would you go with the flow or ease back and just kind of observe? Observe. Hmm... Oh... Oh maybe a change of strategy is in order.

Film

I would like to make a documentary about kids chasing pigeons in the park. Why chase the pigeons? What’s their mindset? What would they do with a pigeon if they got one? Would they set it free and chase it all over again? Are the pigeons stressed by the children? I just think it’s an interesting phenomenon that’s happening and could be an intriguing film... You know pigeons and children, could be cool.

Recreation

I like sitting here… outside

You know in the sun. I’m glad were sitting in the sun. Good, right?

I really like it, it’s enjoyable to sit outside in the sun. Good, right?

This was my job, I ran over here to get a table. They picked up the food while I came straight here for a table (big smile to blank faces). We all had jobs. Securing a table was mine. Good, right?

I was pissed at first cause I thought there were six tables but look, it turns out to only be four. I waited over there thinking that nothing was gonna happen but still scouting the area for a lucky break. Some lady got up and I ran and got the table. Good, right?

Cuisine

You know I love potatoes. I can’t get enough of ‘em.

Except the scalloped kind, those I despise.
What? It’s the truth. It is!

And the thing of it is I would think the scalloped potatoes should be very delicious cause that have a great shape. They just look like a big chip. What would you else is better then a potato chip then a bigger potato chip but they just you know don’t live up to my flavor standards.

I just don’t understand this stuff every now and then.

Leisure

Me: What are you doing?

Matt: Sitting here?

Me: You’re standing there!

Matt: I’m sitting with my feet.

Monsters

I said something before about godzilla that I liked

Punny

Henry: So everyone else has hands and I have paws.

Matt: Well where's your play button.
[rimshot]

Decisions

Matt: Not sure if I should go to this rooftop party with my girlfriend tonight or roll to Henry's and watch the game.

Me: It’s beautiful out. You’ll have a girl in your lap, a drink in your hand, the sun in your face. What else is there?

Matt: Henry??

Fandom

Rooting for Yankees Starter Mike ‘Moose’ Mussina

Here we go Moose... Let’s go Mooose... Come on Moose...

Moose… MOOOSE… MOOSSIE MOOSE….

Lets go… Lets it done… Come on there

Moose… MOOOSE… MOOSSIE MOOSE….MOOSE-A-LEANIE

Beverage

I use to think Gatorade was an OK drink but somebody told me that I should really drink it over ice. Let me tell you, for me, there is now no other way to consume Gatorade. I don’t know what it is but the ice makes it really nice.

Family

So, I’m talking to my mom, through the Mac video conference thing.

And you know…

Whenever there is a lull in the conversation, she um…

Hits that graphic feature and all of a sudden she’s a sketch or something.

So, I look at her window and there is like fish floating by and on her head.

So, I’m like “Mom, why do have a fish on your head.”

Mom playfully “Cause I’m underwater.”

i retort dully “Mom, you’re not underwater. I can hear Dad.”

Dad chimes in with “What’s the boy saying about me.”

Mom replies as she turns the camera towards my Dad in the background “He doesn’t believe we’re underwater.”

Dad brashly “I’m watching the race goddamn it.”

Ignorance

Von Jersey: What was that thing you said?
Matt: I dunno... Was it something ignorant?

Diplomacy

Why can the bosses tell me what to do but I can’t tell them what to do?

Information

I don’t know what

I don’t know how

I want to know

I just want to know

Promotions

I don't think I could handle being someone's boss...

I can't picture myself being useless, telling people what to do, being an asshole, drinking coffee, sitting in an office, doing nothing, drinking coffee, being a jerk to everyone, bossing everyone around, drinking coffee, feeling important but not, bossing everyone around, drinking coffee,... being useless, telling people what to do, being an asshole, drinking coffee ....., ......., .......

Travel

Lets travel to the Sun.

Management

I hate being in charge of things

Cause your responsible for stuff

But I guess accountability isn’t a bad thing

Mmm … I guess I like being in charge of things